My Life as a Youtuber Read online

  Mary looks me straight in the eye. “The point wasn’t that you were pretending to feed Frank hot sauce, the point is that you had him on a treadmill, loose in the yard, and you were using him for your own gain. You know posting videos of your friends without their permission isn’t cool, right, Derek?”

  I now feel even worse than I did when my parents first caught me. Whether it’s because Mary runs the foundation, or that her voice is so calm, I really take in everything she has to say.

  “It’s not like Frank could sign a release form,” I offer. “And he DID have fun.”

  “Like a greyhound has fun at the dog track?” Mary asks. “Or elephants at the zoo—THAT kind of fun?”

  Her eye contact is so intense, I want to turn away but can’t.

  “We humans are privileged to share the planet with these special creatures,” Mary adds. “First and foremost, our job is to protect them.”

  I feel Mom gently come up behind me and put her hands on my shoulders. “Derek’s done a good job doing that for two years,” she says. “I don’t want the YouTube incident to take away from the fact that he helped us make a safe and happy home for Frank.”

  From his seat at the table, Dad gives me a slight nod to let me know he agrees. Knowing my parents are on my side—even through all my stupid mistakes—feels like the most important thing in the world right now. Bigger than my birthday and Christmas combined.

  “Our capuchins make a lot of mistakes also,” Mary continues. “We expect them to. The question is, do they LEARN from their mistakes? I’ve seen capuchins try to take the top off a water bottle hundreds of times,” she says. “But if they really care about improving, they’ll keep trying.”

  I could make a crack about how she’s comparing me to a monkey, but even I know that would take the conversation down the wrong road.

  “I made this video for whoever ends up with Frank.” I hand her the DVD that Dad had to show me how to burn since I mostly use digital files. “It’s full of instructions so Frank is properly taken care of wherever he goes next.”

  Mary smiles. “I’m sure this will be very helpful. Thanks, Derek.”

  She spends the next few minutes signing paperwork with Mom.

  As Mary heads to the door, I ask if I can hold Frank once more before they go.

  I press my forehead against Frank’s and smell his monkey smell for the last time. The enormity of my loss suddenly bowls me over with sadness.

  Mary must notice that I’m about to fall apart because she gently takes Frank and says a quick good-bye. As soon as she’s out the door, I do something I haven’t done in years. I’d call it crying, but the sounds coming out of me now are more like a wounded animal wailing than a kid sniffling through tears.

  “It’s okay, buddy,” Dad says. “Sometimes a good cry is the best thing.”

  I’ve got Mom hugging me on one side, Dad on the other, and Bodi on his hind legs, trying to reach me from the floor. Everybody’s being kind. Everybody’s being supportive.

  It’s just that everybody no longer includes Frank.

  YOU WANT ME TO WHAT?

  After washing my face and spending some time with Bodi, Dad drives me to school. It turns out I only missed my first two classes. All that emotion this morning wore me out and I keep to myself for the rest of the day.

  All everyone else can talk about is Carly and Umberto’s appearance on Ellen. Half the people jammed into Mr. Ennis’s classroom at three o’clock aren’t even in our class; they just want to see the show. Ms. McCoddle bought giant bags of candy from Costco, which she passes around in large bowls. I try to rally with my classmates but two things haunt me. First, losing Frank. And second, the conversation I need to have with Mr. Ennis after class. He’s not going to be happy with how I sidestepped his rules and regulations in my YouTube channel. Not. Looking. Forward.

  Mr. Ennis’s hair is almost crew cut length as he films the proceedings with his GoPro. “This is really something,” he tells Carly and Umberto. “Those of us who vlog for a living would KILL for an opportunity like this.”

  Matt is throwing M&M’s into the air and catching them in his mouth. Umberto’s popping wheelies until he runs over Natalie’s foot. Carly looks almost embarrassed by all the attention.

  It’s been a fun class—I learned a lot—but there’s no shaking that feeling of loss too. If fighting with Carly made me feel like wearing a shirt that didn’t fit, betraying my parents and Mr. Ennis and then losing Frank feels like a hole in the bottom of my gut. People say time makes everything better; I don’t know if that applies to monkeys but I hope it does because this feeling of sadness and guilt really hurts.

  “IT’S ON! IT’S ON!” Ms. McCoddle takes a seat next to Carly and squeezes her arm.

  When Ellen dances, most of us jump up and down. The first guest is Hugh Jackman, who talks about his new blockbuster. During the commercial, everyone yells over each other, full of excitement.

  The segment on YouTube kid stars is next and we all scream when Carly and Umberto come onstage.

  “You’re wearing a bow tie!” Matt yells to Umberto.

  “I went old-school,” Umberto replies.

  Ellen asks Carly what it’s like to have such rabid fans. Carly answers confidently; she doesn’t seem nervous at all. I’m guessing the girl jumping up and down in the first row is Power73, and sure enough, Carly tells us it is.

  The audience loves Umberto’s clips too, as well as JR’s, a kid from San Francisco who plays with his toys on-screen. He’s been doing this for years and has three hundred million views.

  Three hundred million!

  When the segment is over, we all go nuts. Mr. Ennis holds up his phone. “Both Carly’s and Umberto’s channels are racking up colossal numbers,” he says. “This week is going to be huge for you guys—NOT that that’s the most important thing!”

  After Ms. McCoddle and the kids who aren’t in our class finally leave, Mr. Ennis does a wrap-up of our work. Unfortunately, because my channel is no longer up, I come in pretty much last in every category. Luckily this elective isn’t being graded.

  “You guys have been great,” Mr. Ennis says. “See you in the cybersphere.”

  I hang back while everyone else leaves, then approach Mr. Ennis.

  “What happened to your YouTube channel?” he asks. “I didn’t see it when I did a final pass of everyone’s work this morning.”

  I begin to tell him the whole story of Monkey Love Hot Sauce.

  He reaches up to shut off his GoPro. “But your parents signed the release forms giving you permission to upload that channel.”

  “I forged their name on the permission slip,” I confess. “I did a fake show for them—they just found out about Monkey Love Hot Sauce last week.”

  Mr. Ennis lets out a low whistle. “So you lied to me AND your parents? That is harsh.”

  “I knew it was wrong but I did it anyway,” I admit. “Like those people you warned us about, doing anything for more views.”

  “One of my friends has a competitive-eating channel,” Mr. Ennis says. “You don’t want to know how many times he’s gotten his stomach pumped chasing after views. Finding that fine line of connecting with people without chasing your own tail is what this is all about.”

  He pulls the GoPro off his head and rubs his prickly scalp. “I have to say, Derek, I’m really disappointed.”

  “Join the club—it’s growing faster by the day.”

  Mr. Ennis smiles. “When I was your age, there was no mistake I DIDN’T make. If there were a hundred things to choose from and ninety-nine of them were good, I’d make that one wrong decision every time.”

  “That’s pretty much how I am,” I say.

  “That’s why I’m a big believer in second chances.”

  He shows me the latest video on his phone. “I was approached by a major sports drink company to make a series of YouTube videos. They want me to do my illusions but to bring in someone younger to appeal to their preteen market.”
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  “I’m headed to Dodger Stadium this Saturday. I need a kid to toss fruits to me so I can swing at them with a bat and make it look like I’m turning them into the different flavors of the sports drink. I was going to ask one of my friends’ kids, but how’s YOUR pitching arm?”

  My mind flashes forward to me on the pitcher’s mound with a GoPro on my head, winding up a kiwi for Mr. Ennis to blast to smithereens. This could be gigantic! A national commercial! I take a breath and try—for once—not to get carried away. If Mr. Ennis is generous enough to give me a second chance, priority number one is to do a good job.

  I tell Mr. Ennis I’d love to meet him at Dodger Stadium. “If my parents will let me,” I add. “I think I might be grounded for a while.”

  “I just want to help you get back on the horse,” Mr. Ennis says. “It would be a shame to give up on being creative just because you messed up. You did some good work in this class.”

  The tension in my chest releases a tiny bit. Maybe I can resurrect my YouTube channel into something good that I DON’T have to lie about this time.

  After all, when it comes to YouTube, the possibilities are endless.

  THE COMFORT OF FRIENDS

  Matt must be worried that I’ll be lonely without Frank because he insists on coming over even though it’s a school night. First we do our homework together, which we haven’t done in years. Then we take Bodi to the park and throw him his chewed-up, soggy tennis ball until he collapses on the grass exhausted.

  One of the things I love about Matt is that he never worries about looking stupid or immature; he just wants to have fun. So when the toddlers at the playground get off the slide, Matt and I take turns sliding until a mom we don’t know finally tells us to move on and give the little kids a chance.

  Back at my house, Mom asks if we want something to eat.

  “This may sound crazy,” Matt begins. “But I would LOVE a smoothie.”

  “Sure,” Mom says. “Strawberry and banana? Chocolate and peanut butter?”

  My mouth is watering just at the MENTION of Mom’s famous chocolate-peanut-butter smoothie but before I can answer, Matt suggests something else.

  “I was thinking more along the lines of an apple-juice-maple-syrup-clam-chowder-bagel-lettuce-and-blue-cheese smoothie,” Matt says.

  Mom grimaces and throws up her hands. “You two are on your own.”

  I realize Matt’s staying at my house to make up for Frank not being here. I also realize Matt is one of the best friends on the planet. And as much as I’d TOTALLY prefer a chocolate-peanut-butter smoothie, I pretend that our gut-busting, disgusting concoction is exactly what I want too.

  We take over the kitchen and start tossing things into the blender like two mad scientists. We have to press pulse instead of on because the container is so full.

  My dad sees us and looks around the room for a camera. “Is this some kind of dare? Are you guys filming this?”

  I shake my head and tell him that believe it or not, we’re doing this just for us.

  Matt pours the brown goop into two glasses. He holds out his glass to mine. “To Frank,” Matt says.

  We clink our glasses.

  “To friends,” I say.

  “To best friends,” he answers.

  “I’ll drink to that.” My dad grabs the blender from the counter, holds the container to his lips, and takes a giant swig.

  He immediately spits it into the kitchen sink. “That’s DISGUSTING!”

  “I know,” I answer. “It’s the blue cheese.”

  “Or the clam chowder,” Matt adds.

  Whatever it is, Matt and I spend the rest of the night yakking at the kitchen table and finishing our horrible smoothie till it’s gone.

  Not a bad way to spend a Monday night. Not bad at all.

  My Life as a Book

  Derek Fallon has trouble sitting still and reading. But creating cartoons of his vocabulary words comes easy. If only life were as simple!

  My Life as a Stuntboy

  Derek gets the opportunity of a lifetime—to be a stuntboy in a major movie—but he soon learns that it’s not as glamorous as he thought it would be.

  My Life as a Cartoonist

  There’s a new kid at school who loves drawing cartoons as much as Derek does. What could be better?

  My Life as a Joke

  Now in middle school, Derek just wants to feel grown-up—but his own life gets in the way, and he feels more like a baby than ever.

  My Life as a Gamer

  Derek Fallon thinks he’s found his calling when he’s hired to test software for a new video game. But this dream job isn’t all it’s cracked up to be!

  My Life as a Ninja

  Derek and his friends are eager to learn more about ninja culture. When someone starts vandalizing their school, these ninjas in training set out to crack the case!

  Other Books by Janet Tashjian

  Illustrated by Jake Tashjian

  The My Life Series:

  My Life as a Book

  My Life as a Stuntboy

  My Life as a Cartoonist

  My Life as a Joke

  My Life as a Gamer

  My Life as a Ninja

  The Einstein the Class Hamster Series:

  Einstein the Class Hamster

  Einstein the Class Hamster and the Very Real Game Show

  Einstein the Class Hamster Saves the Library

  By Janet Tashjian

  The Marty Frye, Private Eye Series:

  Marty Frye, Private Eye: The Case of the Missing Action Figure

  Marty Frye, Private Eye: The Case of the Stolen Poodle

  Fault Line

  For What It’s Worth

  Multiple Choice

  Tru Confessions

  Sticker Girl

  Sticker Girl Rules the School

  The Larry Series:

  The Gospel According to Larry

  Vote for Larry

  Larry and the Meaning of Life

  Praise for My Life as a Book:

  * “Janet Tashjian, known for her young adult novels, offers a novel that’s part Diary of a Wimpy Kid, part intriguing mystery.… Give this to kids who think they don’t like reading. It might change their minds.”

  —Booklist, starred review

  Praise for My Life as a Stuntboy:

  “Fans of the first will be utterly delighted by this sequel and anxious to see what Derek will turn up as next.”

  —The Bulletin

  Praise for My Life as a Cartoonist:

  “This entertaining read leaves some provoking questions unanswered—usefully.”

  —Kirkus Reviews

  Praise for My Life as a Joke:

  “At times laugh-out-loud funny … its solid lesson, wrapped in high jinks, gives kids something to think about while they giggle.”

  —Booklist

  Praise for My Life as a Gamer:

  “What did I think? I thought the book was wonderful.”

  —Kam (from Goodreads)

  Praise for My Life as a Ninja:

  “Oh My God this book was so amazing!!!!!!!!!!!”

  —Caleb (from Goodreads)

  About the Author

  Janet Tashjian is the author of many bestselling and award-winning books, including the My Life series, the Einstein the Class Hamster series, the Marty Frye series, and the Sticker Girl series. Other books include The Gospel According to Larry, Vote for Larry, and Larry and the Meaning of Life as well as Fault Line, For What It’s Worth, Multiple Choice, and Tru Confessions. She lives in Los Angeles, California.

  For more information visit janettashjian.com and mylifeasabook.com. You can sign up for email updates here.

  About the Illustrator

  Jake Tashjian is the illustrator of My Life as a Book, My Life as a Stuntboy, My Life as a Cartoonist, My Life as a Joke, My Life as a Gamer, My Life as a Ninja, Einstein the Class Hamster, Einstein the Class Hamster and the Very Real Game Show, and Einstein the Class Hams
ter Saves the Library. He has been drawing pictures of his vocabulary words on index cards since he was a kid and now has a stack taller than a house. When he’s not drawing, he loves to surf, read comic books, and watch movies. You can sign up for email updates here.

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  Henry Holt and Company ebook.

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  and info on new releases and other great reads,

  sign up for our newsletters.

  Or visit us online at

  us.macmillan.com/newslettersignup

  For email updates on Janet Tashjian, click here.

  For email updates on Jake Tashjian, click here.

  CONTENTS

  Title Page

  Copyright Notice

  Dedication

  Best Class Ever

  Our Very Own Comedy Nerd

  Eureka!

  Experiment #1

  Busted

  Take Two

  A Change for Carly

  A Surprise

  Questions, Questions

  A New Direction

  Bathroom Break

  Something New

  Sketching with Dad

  Bring in the Props

  So Much Stuff

  Pre-Production

  Viewing Party

  Who’s the Dumbbell Now?

  Today Is What?

  An Annual Event

  Yet Another Idea

  Ready, Set, Go!

  Bait and Switch